Last week, the trailer for the new film, Diana, ‘dropped’. It’s a biopic of Princess Letizia of Spain.
It’s not.
Now, a few things first. I like Diana, here’s why I like Diana:
- She seemed kind and generous and did a lot of good work for charity, and somehow managed to be anti-establishment whilst a part of the most establishment type of establishment there is. Kudos
- She was intelligent and funny
- She had great hair
- And awesome style
- She made it ok to be fallible, and didn’t pretend to be infallible.
- She pulled out the greatest third-wheel retort ever, and I really hope a partner cheats on me later in life so I can use it
- My mother always bangs on about the time I ‘met’ Diana as a baby, because Di opened my nursery. But my mum lies about a lot of things (“you were not a mistake!”), so don’t take that as read.
I also like Naomi Watts. Technically I should enjoy this film, ignoring the fact it is a film that tells the story of a woman’s over-exposed personal life, by telling the story of her over-exposed personal life.
Also, there is the fact that the biopic of the People’s Princess is directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, who directed Downfall – the film about Hitler’s descent into madness and eventual suicide after the collapse of his genocidal Third Reich regime. I’m just going to let this awkward pause rest a little.
Bit longer.
Ok. Anyway, this trailer – is it any good, you ask? BOY IS IT GOOD!?!
No, no it isn’t. Probably the most excruciating thing about it is the cheesy piano music playing throughout, which is supposed to tug at the heartstrings, but fucks it up so bad it basically makes a cat’s cradle of your heartstrings, knotting them all up, like a dude trying to undo a bra and completely ruining the mood.
I think they were going for a Dario Marianelli type thing, a Ludovico Einaudi type thing, but it literally sounds as corny as the music on the John Lewis advert. Oh god, it is actually by the girl who did the John Lewis advert.
Enough. We decided to take you through the trailer step by step. Because this film is probably going to turn a bad-ass chick into a national cry-wank. Again.
The trailer opens with a wide shot of a very French baroque looking living room, which we’re pretty sure has been stolen from the cutting room floor of Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette.
Proof that power blue skirt suits CAN look good on people who aren’t Thatcher.
Then we move on to this chick, challenging Di to a freestyle rap battle, thereby breaking pretty much every journalistic rule in the book.
Next, a bunch of kids run away from Diana. Which isn’t very nice.
But Diana tries to pass it off like she’s not bothered. Ha ha ha…real funny guys! Ha ha…*cry*
Then we visit Di’s hairdresser, to see how she attained that infamous quiff.
This guy takes her photo with a ceramic bowl. No news on whether he also took those intrusive naked shots of Kate Middleton, but there’s no getting away from that capable hi-tech equipment right there.
This shot got lost from Slumdog Millionaire, but nobody will notice through their tears.
Here Diana does that thing we’ve all done. You look at your watch, see it’s 7.28pm , and realise you’re about to miss Corrie. So you run the fuck home ASAP.
Diana practises being a scarecrow, while wearing a vase as headgear. Which all sounds very Kate Bush.
Shit. Wrong film.
Diana reads about herself. Which might seem egotistical at first, but then you remember that time Paris Hilton wore a t-shirt that read ‘I love Paris Hilton’ at the same time as carrying a bag with her face on it. And it wasn’t in an ironic way, because Paris Hilton doesn’t know what ironic means.
Also on this point, never fall in love with a heart surgeon. I imagine falling in love with a heart surgeon is like offering to brush the teeth of a shark.
Those kids are still running away from her. Guys, it’s not cool. It’s verging on bullying.
This is what Diana thinks of your trailer:
- HJP
Very, very funny…. Well done.
What was “the best third wheel retort ever”?